For Ryan, Matt & Mark

I never thought it would take someone else’s suicide for me to understand what it’s like for the people around them. I never thought I’d be writing this post either.

I didn’t know Daniel and I won’t pretend like I did, but I was a fan of Cyndago and through watching their work, I felt like I had some kind of connection. Cyndago made me happy, they could make me laugh when no one else could and for that I thank you.

I, like many others, was introduced to Cyndago through Markiplier. From the first video I watched, I was hooked. The quirky atmosphere that radiated off of Ryan and Daniel and the some what dark sense of humour was calling my name from when I first clicked on the video, I loved it. From that moment I would follow Cyndago on all social media possible and eagerly await for the next update, unfortunately the most recent one I came across has sent a numbness through my body and I physically feel cold.

I am someone who has been on the edge of suicide and I have attempted to end my life multiple times. As I wrote in a previous post, a week ago today I was taken to hospital because I had taken an overdose with the sole intention of death. Throughout the night, I was constantly being hooked up to machines to have my vital signs checked and attached to a drip to flush out everything I had taken, by the time I had fully regained conciousness I was taken to a unit for those who were also suffering with mental illness and the urge to end it all.
Though I don’t and never will know what drove Daniel to suicide, there is a part of me that understands. I don’t know what it is exactly and I find it incredibly confusing, but whatever it is, I just hope that Daniel is now at peace after ending his fight with whatever demons he was facing.

After finding out this awful news, I’ve been forced to understand what it must feel like for those effected by someone else’s suicide. I am not going to lie, but it fills me with an overwhelming feeling of guilt. I have absolutely no idea how family and friends of Daniel must be feeling right now, but even as someone who doesn’t personally know Daniel, wasn’t even known by him other than one of the many fans of Cyndago and Mark, the feeling I’m currently trying to come to terms with is terrible and I can only imagine it must be unbearable for those who were close to him.

To Ryan, Matt and Mark,
I don’t know whether you will ever see this post, but I want you all to know that I am sending all of my love and sympathies your way. I know you will feel like it was your fault, like you could have done something to stop it, but you mustn’t. I could never understand what you guys are going through right now, and I’m sure you’re getting ‘words of wisdom’ from people left, right and centre, but you guys were his friends, his brothers and from seeing what you guys all created together, you all made him incredibly happy and I highly doubt he would want you guys to feel like anything was your fault.
From someone who has attempted suicide and has come so close to it being ‘successful’, I just want to say this.
I know I didn’t know Daniel, so I couldn’t possibly know his thoughts at the time, so I am just going by how my thoughts were at the time I felt completely non-existent, the time that I feel as though I can relate to Daniel.
I wanted all my friends and family to know how much I loved them. How grateful I was for everything they had done for me. I wanted them all to know that nothing was their fault and they couldn’t have done anything to stop me from ‘achieving’ my goal of ending my life. I felt as though it was time to go, that there was nothing more for me here and I didn’t want anyone to be hurt by my decision, which I now know is an impossible thing to ask of those who care about you.
I feel as though those may have been some of the thoughts that were crossing Daniel’s mind when he decided he was going to end his life. When he decided it was time. I hope it can offer you some form of solace that not one thought was towards anyone’s blame.

I am so sorry for your loss and I want you all to know that along side your friends and families, your fans will stick by you no matter what is to happen next. We all love you very much and we will do anything we can to help you through this difficult time.

To my friends and family,
I’m sorry for what I have put you all through. Although not fully, I feel as though I understand a little about how you must have felt when I decided it was time to go. I love you.

Dear Daniel,
I hope you have found peace wherever you may be now, and with a heavy heart I feel as though I need to say I’m sorry that you felt so lost that you had to end your life, but I also feel the need to say I understand after being there myself.
You will never be forgotten and you will live on in all of our hearts.

Rest in Peace

-Plain Jaine xo

Let Me Try & Explain

TRIGGER WARNING
Death. Suicide. Self harm.

2015.
The year that was supposed to be a fresh start for almost everyone.
“New Year, New Me”
Everyone was ready to start their New Years Resolutions. Ready to start their diets, ready to pack up the cigarettes and ready to transform themselves into something different, like some kind of life sized human caterpillar, ready to form into their cocoons, turn into caterpillar soup and then blossom into a beautiful butterfly!

…Yeah right!
Come on, it doesn’t take a genius to know that most New Year Resolutions last no longer than a week.
But whatever, do you, boo boo.

Anyway, I thought I’d write a new blog post after how ever long it’s been (ironically, my New Years Resolution was to blog more..) and explain how my year has been going.

Honestly, I thought it may hold something decent.
It had been a year since my mum died, which obviously was as hard as expected, but overall, all of the ‘firsts’ were over and done with, so it was a lot easier to know that things were going forward, moving on.

The first 2 months, I don’t really remember, I was still working on getting moved into my new flat, (which still looks like a fucking tip) so from what I remember, I was pretty occupied.

Forward into March, this is where shit starts to hit the fan.. It was the first year of my Mum not being here on the 24th which was hard, but overall I think I dealt with things pretty well After all, I’d already been there, done that and got the t-shirt to prove it when I lost my Dad.

Fast forward a few days to the 31st, my Dad’s Birthday but also one of the most heart wrenching experiences I’ve had aside from becoming an orphan. The one thing that was holding me together, giving me some hope and joy out of my what seemed pretty shitty life had to be put to sleep. My pony, Hunny.
Now, some people who are reading this will be thinking “it’s just a pony”, but to me, she wasn’t. She was my therapy. My healer. She brought me back from a hole that I was sinking into and gave me a reason to get up in the morning other than to take a piss.
Don’t get me wrong, I know, or at least, like to believe she’s still with me in spirit and I cherish that, but I would give my all to have made sure Hunny was never ill in the first place.
When Hunny was by my side, whether she was nuzzling at my arm, or sneezing in my face, as disgusting as that was, I felt invincible. She was my everything. No, fuck it, she was my spirit animal which is even more fitting seeming as she’s no longer galloping along this earth, but somewhere else where she’s pain free, I hope.

My Sweet Princess

My Sweet Princess

March also marked another first for me.
It was the first time I was hospitalised for attempted suicide. I can’t remember what triggered it, but I just remember saying to the paramedics over and over “I just want to see them again”.
My theory was that if I had of died, or at least reached that state where you’re almost dead, ‘going towards the light’ and all that, I’d see my Mum and Dad again. I thought that would make me happy. To be honest, I think it would have.
That hospital visit was an in-out job, really. I’d attempted to take an overdose but I was caught, which resulted in me slashing my arms and legs in frustration. Luckily though, it was only minor so I was patched up, sent to speak with the mental health team and discharged home.

Fast forward to June, I’m admitted again. This time for a mental break down and also self harm. I remember having multiple panic attacks whilst I was there because of the amount of people that were in A&E. I was scared and I wished I wasn’t there. You’d think that would make me think twice about causing harm to myself. It didn’t.

Fast forward to September, 2 days ago to be exact, I’m admitted into hospital. This time it was serious.
I had taken an overdose, I’d taken a dosage of 1300mg of Quetiapine with the sole intention to kill myself. I failed, again.
I was taken into hospital on Monday night and I wasn’t released from hospital care until yesterday evening.
After a night in hospital, switching beds, being attached to a drip, screaming at nurses to leave me alone as they came at me with needles and dropping in and out of conciousness, I was transferred to a Mental Health unit the other side of Birmingham.

MAKING LIGHT OF THE SITUATION

I wanted to write this blog post with hope that I’d shed some light on how things work inside my head.

People keep asking me why.
Why I didn’t call them.
Why I didn’t tell someone.
Why I didn’t call a help line.
Why I did it.
Why I was being so selfish.
Why I never thought about others.
Why I thought no one would care.
Why? Why? Why?

I keep being asked all kinds of different things, things I find overwhelming, things I can’t answer, things even I don’t understand.

I don’t plan these manic events. I don’t just wake up one day and think;
“You know what I’m going to do today? I’m going to kill myself. I’m going to tear everyone I know apart”
I mean, fuck, I wish that was how it worked, I fucking wish I had that warning, that sense that I’m going to do something which could result with me inside of an overpriced box. At least then I could reach out to someone, scream for help, warn people.

“Please, someone help me, I’m going to kill myself today!”

It doesn’t work like that. 
It comes to me as much as a shock as it does to everyone else when they eventually find out. I’m still trying to grasp what happened on Monday, what I did, but I can’t.

When I reach this state of mind, it’s like the whole world stops and I get devoured by this big black mist. I phase out. The only way I can describe it is, it’s like I leave my body for a bit. I just, disappear. My mind becomes that blank and I become that numb that I don’t feel anything. I can’t think straight, I can’t think rationally. All I can think is “die”.

“Die. Die. Die”

I hurt so much, physically and mentally.
Nothing stops it, I haven’t found anything that can, it’s always there, lurking in the darkness waiting for the opportune moment to attack. I’ve been through multiple and different therapy sessions and I’m on enough medication to open up my own pharmacy, yet I still can’t find that balance.

Don’t get me wrong, some days I have an amazing time, I feel like I’m high off of the energy and enjoyment I get, but the happier I am, the harder I crash. And sometimes, it’s too hard to pull out of that crash. I lose all of my motivation and I lose my strength, even my will to live. Then everything becomes a blur and then usually, something happens.

“I’m sorry” is all I can say to the people I have hurt.
I’m sorry that I have hurt you, cause you pain or anger. I’m sorry. I can’t cope.
Sometimes, my death seems like the only answer. The end to all of my pain.

I can’t promise that I wont do it again, in fact, I’d be better off promising that it probably will happen again.

To the friends and family that have stuck by my side, included me and made me feel like I’m something, thank you.
I wish I could let you know how much you all mean to me and how much I love you, but I don’t have the words to. I don’t know how to express my gratitude.

All I can say is thank you and I’m sorry.

– Plain Jaine xo

“But You’re a Girl”

I have always been far from the ‘norm’. I’m not a ‘girly girl’, apart from the fact I have female genitalia, I have always been considered by my friends as ‘one of the guys’.
Think of pre ‘Girlfriend’ Avril Lavigne, but with a fairly strong Birmingham accent, not as thin and with detachable hair, and you’ve got me.

I suppose I am a bit of a feminist (by feminist, I mean feminist, not ‘feminazi‘ or ‘man hater’). I believe in equal rights between men and women and I definitely don’t agree with there being a superior sex. Women shouldn’t be classed as one thing and men another, again, apart from the genitalia differences, everyone is the same. But alas, I’m not here to talk about a ‘battle of the sexes’ I’m here to talk about something that has been pissing me off for quite some time.

“But You’re a Girl”
– The most common phrase any girl or woman will hear in her life time, especially if they’re not into what is classed as the norm for anyone who’s female.

Gaming.
D.I.Y.
Skateboarding.
Tattoos.
Reddit.
My sense of humor.

Above are a few of my interests, all of which have been questioned.

“Get off this server and get back to the kitchen where you belong” – Gaming

“I didn’t think you’d know what you were doing, you know, because you’re a girl.” – Gaming

“Girls can’t be gamers” – Gaming

“You’re going to build you’re own PC? But you’re a girl…” – Gaming/D.I.Y

“Can you even do D.I.Y…?” – D.I.Y

“Skateboarding is for boys, not girls” – Skateboarding

“Why would you do that to yourself, I bet you used to be such a pretty girl” – Tattoos

“I like tattoos.. just not on girls” – Tattoos

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realise you were a girl! Just expected you to be a guy because you’re on here..” – Reddit

“Well you are a girl, so that will get you loads of attention..” – Reddit private message, talking about meeting people through different subreddits.

“You know, when you say things like that, it makes you really unattractive” – Humor

“That’s not really something a woman should be saying/joking about” – Humor

Just a few statements I’ve had said to me over the duration of my life.

Girls – how many of these statements do you recognise? Does it offend you? Does it piss you off? Do you feel hurt? Do you feel degraded? Or do you, like me, not give a shit until it gets old and really fucking annoying?

Guys – how many of these statements do you recognise because you’ve been the one to say them? How do you work out that guys can do one thing, but girls can’t? Why do you feel the need to say some of these things? Or have you ever stuck up for a girl, whether she be a relative, girlfriend or friend who you’ve seen/heard first hand had some of the statements said to her?

The main reason I have decided to write this blog post is because of gaming.
I went to Insomnia 52 last weekend and it was a blast. I was able to pick up some awesome things (such as a metric shit ton of gorgeous Sipsco, Minecraft and BioShock merchandise from the stall GAMETEE had set up there), play some games and I also got to meet some of my favourite YouTuber’s from The Yogscast. However, even though it was a great day and such a fun environment, I was still faced with my biggest ‘problem’.. Being a girl.

Meeting Hat Films, Turps and Sips was my highlight of Insomnia52

Meeting Hat Films, Turps and Sips from The Yogscast was my highlight of Insomnia 52

I love GAMETEE!

I love GAMETEE!

Now, I’m not going to lie, I dressed up for I52, I wore a dress that I’d bought a while back and actually did my makeup and hair, but the main reasons I did this was because a. I usually spend 90% of my time sat in some form of comfy clothing which would probably be deemed inappropriate for the outdoors, without any makeup on and surrounded in pizza boxes and chocolate wrappers and b. because I am severely self conscious, have a horrendous lack of self esteem and I suffer from social anxiety and panic attacks. Basically, I made myself look and feel good so I wouldn’t crumble in a spiral of paranoia.

I noticed multiple reactions spurred by myself whilst I was there, I noticed some people, mainly guys making double takes as I walked towards and past them and I also noticed some ‘I’m going to try and subtly check you out but not realise it’s actually really obvious and freak out/try to act cool when I realise I’ve been spotted and walk into something’ kind of reactions.

Expectation Vs. Reality
– Image not by myself

Another type of reaction I noticed was ‘dirty looks’. I’d get some looks as though they were saying in their heads “pfft, I bet she’s one of those ‘Gamer Girls’ who talk about COD all the time like she’s actually played it and takes half naked selfies of herself nibbling on the controller” which just to clarify, I don’t do, for one I’m not interested in COD in the slightest and the only other place my controller is apart from my hands is hurling through the air at my TV screen.. (yes, I’m one of those).

Looking like an absolute fucking excited psychopath stood next to the real guy, the best guy.

Looking like an absolute fucking psychopath stood next to the real guy, the best guy, Sips.

I was also looked at like I’d been dragged there by my boyfriend, to which reactions suddenly changed when they noticed I was the one doing the dragging, gorping and ‘nerdgasming’ over almost everything I saw.. (not to mention completely freaking out in the que to meet Sips from excitement and borderline panic attack approaching).

I guess my main point in this post is that, even if the whole “you’re a girl, you can’t do this or that” thing was originally started as a joke, it has ended up becoming so fucking annoying and in some cases, it can be really offensive, especially as it now seems that there is a fine line between joking about the gender differences and being incredibly rude and hurtful with sexism.

My friends still do it to me all the time, but I know they do that to wind me up because of how much it pisses me off (but I usually get the last laugh when I kick their ass, tell me I can’t game now, bitch!)

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all up for a laugh and a joke, hell, I’ll even join in sometimes with my own sarcastic little input, but it doesn’t take long before this kind of shit gets old, boring and really fucking annoying.

So the next time you meet a girl like myself, stop and think. Is it really worth pointing out the obvious? Is it really worth making yourself come across like a complete and utter douche-bag? Or do you think that maybe, just maybe you can keep those kinds of comments to yourself or maybe even banish them completely..?

You’ve got to remember, us girls aren’t all damsels in distress, some of us would happily add a new jar of testicles to our ‘Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Piss Me Off’ collection if the opportunity arises.

Until next time,

Plain Jaine x