For Ryan, Matt & Mark

I never thought it would take someone else’s suicide for me to understand what it’s like for the people around them. I never thought I’d be writing this post either.

I didn’t know Daniel and I won’t pretend like I did, but I was a fan of Cyndago and through watching their work, I felt like I had some kind of connection. Cyndago made me happy, they could make me laugh when no one else could and for that I thank you.

I, like many others, was introduced to Cyndago through Markiplier. From the first video I watched, I was hooked. The quirky atmosphere that radiated off of Ryan and Daniel and the some what dark sense of humour was calling my name from when I first clicked on the video, I loved it. From that moment I would follow Cyndago on all social media possible and eagerly await for the next update, unfortunately the most recent one I came across has sent a numbness through my body and I physically feel cold.

I am someone who has been on the edge of suicide and I have attempted to end my life multiple times. As I wrote in a previous post, a week ago today I was taken to hospital because I had taken an overdose with the sole intention of death. Throughout the night, I was constantly being hooked up to machines to have my vital signs checked and attached to a drip to flush out everything I had taken, by the time I had fully regained conciousness I was taken to a unit for those who were also suffering with mental illness and the urge to end it all.
Though I don’t and never will know what drove Daniel to suicide, there is a part of me that understands. I don’t know what it is exactly and I find it incredibly confusing, but whatever it is, I just hope that Daniel is now at peace after ending his fight with whatever demons he was facing.

After finding out this awful news, I’ve been forced to understand what it must feel like for those effected by someone else’s suicide. I am not going to lie, but it fills me with an overwhelming feeling of guilt. I have absolutely no idea how family and friends of Daniel must be feeling right now, but even as someone who doesn’t personally know Daniel, wasn’t even known by him other than one of the many fans of Cyndago and Mark, the feeling I’m currently trying to come to terms with is terrible and I can only imagine it must be unbearable for those who were close to him.

To Ryan, Matt and Mark,
I don’t know whether you will ever see this post, but I want you all to know that I am sending all of my love and sympathies your way. I know you will feel like it was your fault, like you could have done something to stop it, but you mustn’t. I could never understand what you guys are going through right now, and I’m sure you’re getting ‘words of wisdom’ from people left, right and centre, but you guys were his friends, his brothers and from seeing what you guys all created together, you all made him incredibly happy and I highly doubt he would want you guys to feel like anything was your fault.
From someone who has attempted suicide and has come so close to it being ‘successful’, I just want to say this.
I know I didn’t know Daniel, so I couldn’t possibly know his thoughts at the time, so I am just going by how my thoughts were at the time I felt completely non-existent, the time that I feel as though I can relate to Daniel.
I wanted all my friends and family to know how much I loved them. How grateful I was for everything they had done for me. I wanted them all to know that nothing was their fault and they couldn’t have done anything to stop me from ‘achieving’ my goal of ending my life. I felt as though it was time to go, that there was nothing more for me here and I didn’t want anyone to be hurt by my decision, which I now know is an impossible thing to ask of those who care about you.
I feel as though those may have been some of the thoughts that were crossing Daniel’s mind when he decided he was going to end his life. When he decided it was time. I hope it can offer you some form of solace that not one thought was towards anyone’s blame.

I am so sorry for your loss and I want you all to know that along side your friends and families, your fans will stick by you no matter what is to happen next. We all love you very much and we will do anything we can to help you through this difficult time.

To my friends and family,
I’m sorry for what I have put you all through. Although not fully, I feel as though I understand a little about how you must have felt when I decided it was time to go. I love you.

Dear Daniel,
I hope you have found peace wherever you may be now, and with a heavy heart I feel as though I need to say I’m sorry that you felt so lost that you had to end your life, but I also feel the need to say I understand after being there myself.
You will never be forgotten and you will live on in all of our hearts.

Rest in Peace

-Plain Jaine xo

The Worst Day of My Life So Far

March.

The entry into spring.

A month before my birthday.

Mother’s Day.

My Mother’s death.

On March 24th at 20:15, my wonderful Mum passed away to Cancer.
That same Cancer I swore wouldn’t take her.
That same Cancer that stole my Dad from me.

I’d say I have never felt so much hurt before, but I have. I felt the same feeling 8 years ago when I watched my Dad slip away, it returned on Monday the 24th, a feeling I thought I wouldn’t have to endure again for a very long time.

She went peacefully and quickly, that’s the main thing. No more pain, no more suffering.
She was comfortable, in a place she wanted to be, St. Giles Hospice and surrounded by family and friends.

It happened so fast.
It happened too fast.

I’d say I’ve felt this feeling before, but I haven’t. I don’t feel the same feeling I felt 8 years ago, I feel worse.

Both my parents are gone, I feel like an orphan..
..I am an orphan.

I feel so numb and I feel like I’m in one hell of a nightmare.
I feel as though I’m going to wake up at any second, but no matter how many times I beat my head with my hands, cry until my nose bleeds, cut and scratch at myself to see if I can still feel pain, I won’t wake up.

I’m not dreaming.
This is real.
This is really fucking real.

There are so many things I wanted my Mum to see, hell, there are so many things I wanted my Dad to see too..

My wedding..

My children..

My life..

I’d only just come to terms with the fact that my Dad was gone and he wouldn’t see me grow.. Now I have to come to terms with the fact that my Mum won’t be there to see me grow either? This is not fair. This is cruel. This is sick.

To say the least, I am angry.

I am hurt, upset and really angry.

But they’re together now, right? My Mum and Dad.
They’re finally together after being apart for so long, they can finally be happy again and wait for me on the other side.
That’s what I’d like to believe and that’s what keeps me feeling okay.

Me and my amazing Mum.

Callous Cancer

Cancer.

Need I say more?

The home wrecker, the heart breaker, Cancer.

There are many, many things I could say about Cancer, but this blog isn’t the best as I want to keep swearing to a minimum.

Cancer has been in my life for many years now, it decided to add itself knowingly to my family when I was 12 and it still lingers.

Cancer, obviously isn’t something I welcomed with open arms, it was most definitely the opposite.

I hate Cancer.

Who doesn’t?

I remember very clearly when I was told that my Dad had Cancer. He told me himself actually. It definitely wasn’t the most normal way to tell someone bad news, but my Dad didn’t do normal very often, that’s what made him amazing.

I was told to sit down, I already knew what was coming, I just knew.

He stood in front of me and then in one swift jump and really dumb pose, he said “I’ve got Cancer!” It was kind of like something you’d get in a magic show, it just missed the “tada” at the end.

Naturally, I held my face and I cried, I cried a lot. What happened after that was a blur, I think my mind and body literally shut down, I couldn’t function anymore. I’d just been hit with news that I couldn’t handle, news I didn’t want to handle.

My Dad always acted like nothing was wrong, it wasn’t until near the end you could see he was getting weaker, I regret not spending more time with him, if I could go back I would spend every second I had with him, even if he was sleeping, I wish I was there.

Cancer took my Dad on the 17th December 2005 at 5:30 pm and I was there when he passed. I sat next to his bed and held his hand and said my goodbyes. I remember it clearly and it still really, really hurts.

Rest In Peace, Dad.
I love you so, so much.

I miss him so much, more and more each day, especially now.

Especially now as Cancer has returned..

Cancer has returned for my Mom.

We found out my Mom had Cancer on the 8th year anniversary of my Dad’s death, talk about a kick in the teeth.

My Mom has skin Cancer, the only thing is, it’s on her brain. It is virtually unheard of and it has left the doctors and specialists confused. That scares me.

My Mom is currently in hospital as the wound from her operation to remove a tumor keeps filling up with brain fluid and makes her very sick. She’s been sent home from the hospital multiple times, only to go back in again. It’s been a really frustrating journey to say the least.

To have to go through all of this again breaks my heart. I can’t help but think the worse due to my depression, but I know I need to be strong for my Mom and for myself.

I don’t always show it as much as I should, but I love my Mom more than anything and I don’t plan on letting her go any time soon. She’s mine to keep, not Cancer’s to take. We will not give up this battle without a seriously messy fight.

I love you, Mom.

I love you, Mom.

Until next time,

Plain Jaine x