Something I’ve Never Felt Before

Today was one of the most moving days of my life.

Today, I was visited by a lovely lady, Tammi, who I know through the Geisha Wigs community that I am apart of.
I felt something new, something that I haven’t felt before and if I have felt it before, I don’t remember when that was.

It was a mixture of love, gratitude and warmth.

I was presented with a card today, filled with love, feeling and other contents that will make things a little easier for me.
A card of sympathy and kind words, little things to help me deal with my mothers passing.
Things that would not seem much to some people, but things that mean the entire world to me.

I am not about to explain what was in this incredible card of mine, as it is not something I wish to share, it is personal, it is theirs and it is mine.

I would however, like to express the love and gratitude I have for the people involved with this card of mine.
There isn’t exactly anything I can say, however, to explain how I feel about what you have all done for me.
The only thing I can say is thank you.
Thank you so, so, so much.
Thank you to my Geisha family.
Thank you Maria, Tammi, Lois, Kimi, Lizzy, Caroline, Stef, Nat, Danielle, Samantha, Chelsea, Danielle F, Ren, Kat, Bethany, Markus, Kirsty, Sammy, Lex, Kelsey and all of the other Geisha girls.

Thank you for making me a part of a whole new family.

Thank you for showing me there are people who care.

Thank you for making me feel loved.

I hope you all know I love you as much as you love me.

Thank you.

The Worst Day of My Life So Far

March.

The entry into spring.

A month before my birthday.

Mother’s Day.

My Mother’s death.

On March 24th at 20:15, my wonderful Mum passed away to Cancer.
That same Cancer I swore wouldn’t take her.
That same Cancer that stole my Dad from me.

I’d say I have never felt so much hurt before, but I have. I felt the same feeling 8 years ago when I watched my Dad slip away, it returned on Monday the 24th, a feeling I thought I wouldn’t have to endure again for a very long time.

She went peacefully and quickly, that’s the main thing. No more pain, no more suffering.
She was comfortable, in a place she wanted to be, St. Giles Hospice and surrounded by family and friends.

It happened so fast.
It happened too fast.

I’d say I’ve felt this feeling before, but I haven’t. I don’t feel the same feeling I felt 8 years ago, I feel worse.

Both my parents are gone, I feel like an orphan..
..I am an orphan.

I feel so numb and I feel like I’m in one hell of a nightmare.
I feel as though I’m going to wake up at any second, but no matter how many times I beat my head with my hands, cry until my nose bleeds, cut and scratch at myself to see if I can still feel pain, I won’t wake up.

I’m not dreaming.
This is real.
This is really fucking real.

There are so many things I wanted my Mum to see, hell, there are so many things I wanted my Dad to see too..

My wedding..

My children..

My life..

I’d only just come to terms with the fact that my Dad was gone and he wouldn’t see me grow.. Now I have to come to terms with the fact that my Mum won’t be there to see me grow either? This is not fair. This is cruel. This is sick.

To say the least, I am angry.

I am hurt, upset and really angry.

But they’re together now, right? My Mum and Dad.
They’re finally together after being apart for so long, they can finally be happy again and wait for me on the other side.
That’s what I’d like to believe and that’s what keeps me feeling okay.

Me and my amazing Mum.

Callous Cancer

Cancer.

Need I say more?

The home wrecker, the heart breaker, Cancer.

There are many, many things I could say about Cancer, but this blog isn’t the best as I want to keep swearing to a minimum.

Cancer has been in my life for many years now, it decided to add itself knowingly to my family when I was 12 and it still lingers.

Cancer, obviously isn’t something I welcomed with open arms, it was most definitely the opposite.

I hate Cancer.

Who doesn’t?

I remember very clearly when I was told that my Dad had Cancer. He told me himself actually. It definitely wasn’t the most normal way to tell someone bad news, but my Dad didn’t do normal very often, that’s what made him amazing.

I was told to sit down, I already knew what was coming, I just knew.

He stood in front of me and then in one swift jump and really dumb pose, he said “I’ve got Cancer!” It was kind of like something you’d get in a magic show, it just missed the “tada” at the end.

Naturally, I held my face and I cried, I cried a lot. What happened after that was a blur, I think my mind and body literally shut down, I couldn’t function anymore. I’d just been hit with news that I couldn’t handle, news I didn’t want to handle.

My Dad always acted like nothing was wrong, it wasn’t until near the end you could see he was getting weaker, I regret not spending more time with him, if I could go back I would spend every second I had with him, even if he was sleeping, I wish I was there.

Cancer took my Dad on the 17th December 2005 at 5:30 pm and I was there when he passed. I sat next to his bed and held his hand and said my goodbyes. I remember it clearly and it still really, really hurts.

Rest In Peace, Dad.
I love you so, so much.

I miss him so much, more and more each day, especially now.

Especially now as Cancer has returned..

Cancer has returned for my Mom.

We found out my Mom had Cancer on the 8th year anniversary of my Dad’s death, talk about a kick in the teeth.

My Mom has skin Cancer, the only thing is, it’s on her brain. It is virtually unheard of and it has left the doctors and specialists confused. That scares me.

My Mom is currently in hospital as the wound from her operation to remove a tumor keeps filling up with brain fluid and makes her very sick. She’s been sent home from the hospital multiple times, only to go back in again. It’s been a really frustrating journey to say the least.

To have to go through all of this again breaks my heart. I can’t help but think the worse due to my depression, but I know I need to be strong for my Mom and for myself.

I don’t always show it as much as I should, but I love my Mom more than anything and I don’t plan on letting her go any time soon. She’s mine to keep, not Cancer’s to take. We will not give up this battle without a seriously messy fight.

I love you, Mom.

I love you, Mom.

Until next time,

Plain Jaine x